Friday, October 3, 2008

How Pastry Making Got Complicated

My deficiency in technological know-how happens often enough to make my mid-life crisis all the more sweatier. While making the pastry for pies in the last post, I couldn’t get the camera time-delay to work. With techie ditz me, the handy dandy camera manual may as well be written in an ancient unknown language. "Geek Guy would know, but he’s in Town playing Birdie Ball…never mind." Flour and shortening on the camera and manual and in my hair, I'm beginning to want to say bad words in a modern language.

I’m ready to roll the crust when Geek Guy shows up, tosses some more junk on the table and asks what I’m doing. I tell him that I can’t get the time-delay on the camera to work and he comes over and says, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING?"then gives another lesson for the bizillionith time on time-delay, white balance, shooting mode, aperture this, aperture that and a whole lot of other stuff I can't remember. And I begin humming. He then stops, “Did you follow directions?” So I show him. Geek Guy becomes quiet and next I hear him on the phone to a presumably more knowledgable geek than he. He returns about ten days later and announces, "You were following directions."

Apparently the camera time-delay is meant for only a single shot. Apparently this single shot only is a feature made for forgetful people who would of course forget to switch the time-delay off and wonder why their pictures are all delayed or get ticked off that they missed an exceptionally good photo. Apparently the camera engineers are trying to protect me from myself. Apparently the camera engineers think the odds are better that a technological idiot like me can figure out white balance, shooting mode, aperture this, aperture that and a whole lot of other stuff I can't remember…but would not remember to turn off a time delay. How complicated could that be...Really?

So I’m thinking I don’t want the pastry to dry and I’m hot and sweaty and I want to get these pies done so I can go and eat bon bons and read my Vogue and marvel that anyone can wear ruched velvet around their waist and not look like I did at nine months.

“Could you just take pictures?” I tell GG exactly when to shoot. He does. And after I finish folding and crimping and pausing through the edge of a whole pie, he says, “I can’t see what you’re doing.” I think, "what the heck have you been doing, you’re the geek and the one with the camera" and I look through the view-finder and see that Geek Guy hasn’t taken any close-ups and my arms and hands are covering up everything I was doing.

“You aren’t getting any close-ups. Get close-ups of my fingers crimping the crust." I show Geek Guy exactly what I want and he looks at me and says, “But that’s only your fingers.” So before I forget how to do the time-delay again...humming something else...I roll out the pastry for the second pie and do the camera myself. But not before GG knocks over the tri-pod while I’m in time-delay and we both lunge for the camera and I stop to dig around looking for some seasoning for his lunch. And doesn't Keira Knightley look lovely with ruched velvet around her waist?

Next I will show how I make Pie Pastry the Decadent Housewife way and with no time-delay.

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